Thursday, October 20, 2011

Of Savings and Fungus and Beer: Captain Clearance

While sifting through dozens upon dozens of reader emails I came across something a little...different. This man, who will only allow us to address him as “Captain Clearance”, wanted to write for us! We get a lot of requests like this, and I would normally tell this guy to take a hike, but when I heard his story I just couldn't refuse. Unlike that Surpriselove guy, the Captain seems to not only know what this site is about, he even wrote a little something for your consideration. I hope you find it.....interesting....

(To preserve the flavor of the Captain's writing certain spelling errors have been left in)

Greetings ta tha Known Griefings! A little background on the Cap: I'm a disabled, thrice-divorced father of eleven (ALWAYS make that bitch show proof it's yours! I have my doubts...). How am I disabled? I tweaked my back while working at the Wal-Marts as a “Customer Experience Specialist” (fuck you if you think that's “just a greeter”!) back in '92. As such, I've been unable to re-join the workforce and have been collecting disability from the government ever since my horrific accident. And thanks to mr. Saddam Obama, this can go on forever! He may not be a citizen of this great land, and he's certainly not MY president, but all I have to say is this- suckling the government teat in perpatooity? Yes we can, mr. Obama, yes we can!

Video games! As a differently-abled citizen with a crippling amount of debt, a huge alimony payment, and just about the worst case of face-fungus you've ever seen ( you ever seen a beard that smelled like finely aged provolone?), my government check only goes so far. You may be asking, “ Cap, how do you deal with the massive nut-shot life has given you?” I have my ways, buck-o! Debilitating alcoholism, for one. Video games too! I love me some video games on the ol' xbox three-oh-six, but I can only spare about $30 a month for this greatest of hobbies. So as you may have guessed from the name, I've become a master bargain hunter. That's right! I'll dig my ass off for hours to find the deal of the century! So here's what we're gonna do- I find the games, play 'em, and then I'll tell that Rockmotion guy what I think.

 I have no idea what this is....
The first game I wanna tell you about is a little confusing. The box says Darksiders, but everybody keeps on saying the Legend of Zelda when they talk about it. So I can only assume the proper title is The Legend of Zelda: Darksiders. Weird, because I looked everywhere in the credits for mr. Shigeru Miyagimoto's name, alas, my search was in vain. The box says the game was directed by “Joe Madureira”, which must be the English translation of “Miyagimoto”. The main character, Zelda, is also called the God of War, which is weird, because I swear I heard of that before, but a Yahoo! search kept on talking about some other bullshit! What the fuck is that?! I don't know!

So anyway, Zelda gets this big-ass sword, and she beats the shit out of all the demons and monsters with all these crazy combos and whatnot. It's insane! There's all kinds of puzzles, and I swear you gotta be a genius to solve these things! Zelda gets all these cool new powers along the way, like punching the ground and gliding on these badass wings! The whole game takes place in what looks like New York City, but all the people are gone, which is friggin' awesome! I ever tell you about the time I got mugged in NYC? Never trust a fuckin' mime  again.......

The hero of the game: Zelda
The game only cost me a cool $18.99 at my local GameSpy store, which is great because I had enough left over to pick myself up some “review fuel”. I'm not talkin' about any Mountain DooDoo soda pop or Rockin' Stars energy drinks! I'm talkin' about a REAL man's refreshment: A 6-pack of Natty Ice and two bags of Hot Fries! Hello, refreshment! Hello, terrifying heartburn! Hello, Legend of Zelda: Darksiders!


Rock suddenly has a more positive outlook. 
On everything.

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  1. Oh man. I'm not sure what emotion i'm experiencing right now. But I like it.

  2. I know! I really want to get this guy on here some more!

  3. This is basically the best thing in the universe.

  4. Thanks Dan! Cap wanted me to forward the following message to you: " Danny boy, the pipes are callin'. I'm not really sure what that means, but whatever! You keep on reachin' for them stars and someday you'll.....probably strain yourself. Anyway! I'm playing something new, so look forward to me next writeup soon! Also, do you happen to know of a good cure for crabs? I picked up this fine-ass broad the other day down at the betting parlor and holy shit! It's like there's a war going on in my crotch, and somebody's scorchin' the earth down there!" You really don't have to answer any of that, Dan. Stay tuned for KGB Radio Episode 5, where we announce our next contest!