Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Captain Clearance Takes a Look at Red Dead Redemption

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I tried to keep him away, but the Cap just keeps coming back! So here he his to tell us about Red Dead Redemption, kind of. It's something. Enjoy?

Hello ta tha Known Grifters! 'Cap's here to give you some words of wisdom, so sit down, and shut up!  I'm going to tell you about my new favorite game, Red Dead Redemption!  Ever since I was just a little boy, I've dreamed of being a cowboy in the Wild West. I even started wearing my cowboy costume around town. Into my teens I wore it!  I had to stop after some close encounters with strangers in vans that I'd like to forget,  but I'll say this- it's true what they say, strangers really do have the best candy, and the smoothest balls! They say that, right?

Anyways, Red Dead Redemption!  The game takes place in the Wild West which is what, the 1700's, right?  Anyways, it must be a really long time ago, since I don't recognize any of the names of places, 'cept Mexico,  which is nice because it's before all the illegals came over here and took our god damn jobs!  What's weird is I didn't see any Indians, but maybe they were already extinct by then...shame, since I really wanted to meet that Ghandi fella. Maybe they all when back to Indiana?  And where the hell was John Wayne?!  All I wanted was to ride next to Old Blue Eyes, while he sang a jaunty tune on the way to put a stop to the dastardly plans of Snidely Whiplash and his partner, Natasha.

Take your top off!
This friggin game's got everything! You can drink, you can play poker, some knife game. I couldn't really figure it out, but whatever. I decided that I was going to live out my Wild West fantasies like I never could before! Riding horses?  Shootouts? Getting fuckin' hammered? You bet!  I did it all!  Couldn't bang a hooker, but who cares when you're having so much fun shooting any asshole that looks at you wrong?  Speaking of which, if you ever want to dress up like a cowboy at a fair, leave your gun at home, buckaroos! Apparently people have a shit fit when a cowboy gets hammered drunk, takes off his pants, and starts firing a six shooter into a crowd! And that's how I got my second weapons charge. Fuckin' liberals.

Sometimes, I like to take my horse, Dubya, up to the top of a hill and watch the sun come up. It reminds me of my second wife, Yolanda, or as I like to call her, "that dumb skank that took me for all I had and only left me with a biblical case of crabs". That beautiful red hair, what was left of it.  The way the sunlight reflected off her glass eye.  Her crooked, gap-toothed smile. And those god damn JUGS! Amiright?!  Those things were ALWAYS in season, you know what I mean?!  Yeah!  Aw man I miss those things...maybe 'Cap'll have a few glasses of Fleischman's and give that broad a call...  


Why does he always wear that mask?