Wednesday, November 30, 2011

KGB Top 5: Annoying Heroes


We like to arrange things in an order that is pleasing to us. This one is about annoying-ass heroes. Read.


5. Superman-  From Movies, Comics, Games...Superman 64, mostly.

Fuck this guy

I know what you're thinking- "Superman? Really, Rock?" Yes, dear reader, really. Superman annoys the shit out of me, and here's why:  He's unimaginative.  Think about it, what are Superman's weaknesses?  Kryptonite, of course. Oh, and magic.  Aside from that, nothing can put a dent in the Man of Steel, not a shotgun blast to the face, not a nuclear bomb to the ass.  If it's not enchanted buckshot or a Kryptonite nuke, old Kal-el isn't going to feel a thing. And that's why he's terrible. Through attrition alone, he can solve almost any problem. He doesn't have to be particularly smart or clever to defeat villains, since there are only two very specific ways in which he can be overcome!

Batman is a much better hero, because he is what Superman isn't. Batman is inventive, a genius among men.  Fuck, he's even a trained ninja! Most importantly, though, is that Batman is human. That's right, Batman's greatest weakness is what makes him a great hero, because for all of his strength and cunning, at the end of the day, Bats could be killed by almost anything, from a shotgun blast to the face to a trip off of a really tall building to a poison of some sort. Batman can lose in believable ways, whereas extremely implausible scenarios must be concocted for the equally implausible Superman to be taken down. Also he's a boy scout, and boy scouts are stupid.


4. Navi- From Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time



                           

Navi. Irritation incarnate. This aggravating little twit enjoys flying around your head, demanding that you listen to her inane directions, and if you decide not to listen to her, she will barge into whatever you might be doing at the time and tell you you're doing it wrong! She's supposed to be a guide, but instead comes off as the spawn of Satan! Testing your mental fortitude to withstand her shrill misguided attempts to remind you, you're supposed to go wherever the hell she feels like! If there was one thing about Ocarina of Time that I could change she would be it. Firing her out of a cannon into the sun is almost too good for this harpy.

3. Niko Bellic- From GTA 4



Niko doesn't start off annoying the fuck out of me, but he certainly gets there damn quick! When he first comes to Liberty City, Niko is just a likable immigrant in search of a fresh start in a new land, who's kind of been sold a false ideal by his asshole cousin, Roman. You quickly learn about Niko's checkered past: serving with the military, committing war crimes, killing innocents, etc.  Niko seems like he's genuinely trying to get away from his past and be a good guy.  However, he always seems to align himself with people who will put him in direct opposition with that goal!  All the effing time!  Blasting thugs, stealing, murder-for-hire at the behest of people of questionable motives... You'd think that a guy who was trying to turn over a new leaf would grow a pair of balls and stand up for himself, and he occasionally does!  But within about fifteen minutes he'll be pulling a driveby on some gangbangers or beating some poor dude to death with a baseball bat. He's constantly bitching about all of the bad things he's doing, but he really doesn't do anything to help himself. Stick to your (figurative) guns, guy!


2. Duke Nukem- From Duke Nukem Forever


         

Duke's a dick. I'm sure it's been said before, however, it's usually said as a compliment. I mean it though, Duke is a grating prick, and I can't understand why people take his 4th grade humor as being genius. His jokes are ripped from movies, stripped of all context, and delivered 10 years too late. I've never really been a fan of the testosterone-fueled, machismo-spewing hero, and Duke is the epitome of that archetype, cranked up to 10, amped up on meth, with man-juice shooting out of his eyeballs. Somehow, Duke fans will take that last bit as a credit to his character,  which is insane. Duke belittles women, constantly talks himself up, and shits on just about everybody who isn't him.  Think about it, who did I just describe? Probably a shitload of the jocks that you went to high school with, right?  And I'm willing to bet that you didn't think those guys were awesome, did you?

1. Squall- From Final Fantasy 8


Squall seems to have it all when the game begins: He's handsome, capable in a fight, has a pretty awesome outfit, and has one badass scar!  Furthermore, he's a member of an elite group of fighters, sworn to protect his awesome high-tech school!  So why in the hell is he such an emo douchebag?!  No matter how nice anyone is to him, he usually just responds by being silent and aloof.  Is this what passed for cool back in '99?  Ooh, so complex! He must be really deep, right?  Who would have known that, years later, hipster shitheads would adopt the same attitude to fool girls who should know better into sleeping with them?   Squall has an unexplainable, shitty attitude toward just about everyone for most of the game. Granted, he does eventually let his guard down and falls in love, but he's just so god damn irritating for the first half of the game!  I couldn't find a video of Squall being a dick, so instead there's a video of Hitler ranting about hipsters. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to washing my skinny jeans and arranging my vinyl collection. Special thanks to Zack Keyes for the Navi entry!

     Rock bets that everyone expected Cloud to be #1...

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Stalin!!!

5 comments:

  1. Realistically, #s 5,2, and 1 are about equal as far as hatred. But dammit I really effing hate Duke...

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  2. I actually really like Superman and Duke, although their most recent outings have both been abysmal.

    You might be interested in the Superman relaunch that recently occurred, though!

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  3. I guess I was always just a Batman kid.... and Duke has always appealed to me about as much as a kick in the nuts. I just really hate machismo and that whole dude bro attitude.....

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  4. Duke Nukem is only as good as the games.

    TURbo

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