Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Captain Clearance Looks at Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

You thought you could keep him away (we tried)! But our old pal Captain Clearance is back from God knows where to tell us about....stuff. Also, Spider-Man.

Hullo Known Grifters! It's certainly been a while since ole Cap stopped by with some thoughts on the latest craze in the nation: video games! Well there's reason for that, but the Cap would rather not get into it. Suffice to say: house arrest. They can't even prove it was me! You make a few mistakes in college and the man never lets you live it down. And by college, I mean that one sorority house that used to be near the park. You know, the one without any curtains. Anyways...

My latest trip to the local GameStore was quite a fruitful one indeed. The Cap returned with the latest Spider-Man game. And by latest, I mean the cheapest one I could find. Cap's not made of money. After spending the last of my dear old mudda's $2 bill collection, I got my mitts on SpiderMan: Shattered Dimensions. I always had a soft spot for old Spidey, going back to the days my pops, Lieutenant Captain Sr. IV, handed me my first funny book.

That's the one!

Shattered Dimensions is a game that is four times better than any other Spiderman game. Why? BECAUSE IT'S GOT 4 FRIGGIN SPIDERMANS! There's so many Spidermans in this game it makes my friggin head spin. There's plain Spiderman, Spiderman in the Future, Detective Spiderman, and black Spiderman. This seems a bit racist to me, but Cap is all about tolerance, so I'll let it slide. I just hope no white Spidermans didn't hafta lose their jobs so this affirmative action Spidey could get a shot, I'm jus' sayin'!

All the spiders are the same guy I guess, and they're chasing after some broken rock or some shit, I dunno. I fell asleep when this was all happening. Cap's got some serious sleep apnea, and I was lucky my dog, BudLight, bit my face to wake me up. Anyhoo, the Spidermans are fighting for some rock, so this fishbowl guy doesn't do his evil plans? I liked it better when Spiderman was fighting that big green monster dude. Hulk Hogan. He looks like a friggin pissed off Frankenstein and shit!

Hulk Hogan

So the game. It sucks. Yeah. Friggin Spiderman controls like he's got some mental problems. He's jumpin all over doin flips and shit. I got dizzy and threw up 3 times just trying to kill some dudes! You can't even swing around the city, cuz the fuggin game takes place in hallways. THEY PUT FRIGGIN SPIDERMAN IN A HALLWAY. Thats like putting Led Zepplin in a...uh, hallway or something. Friggin Led Zeppelin is awesome. Aw man this one time I was at a Zep concert- snuck backstage and totally stole Jimmy Page's ham sandwich! Spent five days in the hospital on account of the subsequent beating, combined with an allergic reaction to the ham, but it was worth it!

Captain Clearance knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

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