Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Unintentional Horror of Crystal's Pony Tale

In this retrospective, Humor Tumor recounts when a children's game creeped the living daylights out of him. Utter coward? Or rational thinking man? Read on to find out....

Crystal's Pony Tale was a game my sisters got for the Sega Genesis along long time ago. My sisters being who they were at the time (ie: morons), couldn't handle the tasks the game set up for them. Me being the gamer in the house, was tasked with playing the game for them.

In Crystal's Pony Tale, you are Crystal...a pony. It is your job to slowly trot through the country side, make measly jumps that make kids with polio look like athletes, and eat apples...or some shit like that. Honestly I never got what was behind what I was doing, I just knew something was amiss...because I always felt uneasy playing this game.

I don't know if it was the how the game looked or sounded. Things were just off, it had just enough of this bleak look to make the friendly atmosphere seem out of place. Like you were in some kind of post apocalyptic pony world, and you are the last pony looking for your friends in a world that has died. And the sound didn't help. When coupled with the look of the game it kind of gave me feelings that I was in a carnival run by Pennywise the Clown.

They all float down here...pony....they all float
Things weren't right, and I knew it.

Then, out of nowhere: the witch....or what I suppose was a witch. The distorted cackle, because the Genesis couldn't make good sounds at all, the huge red nose and purple robe. It was like being attacked by a floating, pervy Jimmy Durante. I freaked out ...then my sisters freaked. The battle was short...apparently a witch is no match for neighing. My pony was victorious....and it bathed in the blood of the Jimmy Durante Witch. It was over, I survived, my pony was safe in pony castle.


But would it ever forget the horrors that lurk just outside? Would it forget the atrocities it committed to the witch and her cadre of small forest creatures? it wouldn't....

This pony is forever scarred...and so am I.

Humor Tumor is currently questioning what exactly he feels is more frightening: hairless puppies or people at Wal-Mart.