Monday, November 26, 2012

Jones Reviews Train Simulator 2013

It sucks.

What? You want more?


Train Simulator 2012 (previously known as Railworks) has been something of a perennial joke here at KGB for some time now, given both the exorbitant price of the game and all its associated downloadable content (over $2000) and its niche audience. In fact, most of these jokes have been made by me – a search through comments on KG articles will probably yield anonymous demands about the best railroad simulator software on the market. So, when TS2012 dropped in price during Steam’s summer sale, I couldn’t resist indulging in some schadenfreude: I picked up a copy of Train game, as well as copies for Rock and Pat, much in the same way I did with DNF before, because  that worked out so well for me last time.

So, here I am, and I have to say I’m hoping that this time I’ve learned my lesson: don’t let griefers chose your review topic.

… I…I don’t even know where to begin.

In any event, having messed with TS2012 for all of two hours before finally realizing that I’ll never be able to reclaim that time and succumbing to a minor existential crisis, I feel qualified to review this software: as I mentioned earlier, it sucks. How much does it suck? I’m glad you asked:

Every oil well on planet earth sucks less than Train Simulator 2012.

Remember that scene from Alien 4, where the hybrid alien gets sucked out a hole in the hull of the ship? That level of suction is a mere fraction of how much Train Simulator 2012 sucks.

Planet earth could solve its energy crisis simply by setting up wind turbines in front of Train Simulator 2012.

Even the poorly modeled passengers think this game is boring. I think that's Anakin Skywalker.

If black holes were able to perform fellatio, they’d learn how to suck from Train Simulator 2012.

The US Navy doesn’t allow submariners to play Train Simulator 2012 for fear of spontaneous decompression.

The graphics are so bad as to transcend laughable and barrel through into pathetic. The last time I can remember a game featuring rotating 2d sprites was Doom 2. The fact that time and effort and coding was devoted to particle effects while the foliage is left in two dimensions in a three dimensional realm is really off-putting.

Interior view of the train! Omfgtraingasm

Perhaps part of my difficulty in dealing with TS2012 has been the fact that I’m by nature a gamer and not a simulation enthusiast. When confronted with a user interface less friendly than most software development platforms I’ve encountered, I started to get... 

Here, dear reader, is where this document sat for a full two and a half months. I’m not known as KGB’s infrequent contributor for nothing; in that time I played a number of superior games and, oddly enough, Train Simulator actually updated itself to Train Simulator 2013. So, in the spirit of fairness, and to get this damned review finished, I decided to launch the game

Jones decides to give Train Simulator 2012 another chance, and launches the game.

Half-Life 1 called and wants its models back.

Well, congratulations, Railworks – your clever ruse cheated me out of another half hour of my life.

After ten minutes watching poorly modeled and rendered English countryside crawl by I finally managed to get the train to crash, which was a lesson in anticlimax. If they wanted to make money, Railworks should have included a crash mode, and then of course modeled the damage on the vehicles – give me spectacle, give me destruction, give me something approaching excitement! Train Wreck Simulator 2013 is a game I’d play gladly. Train Simulator 2013 isn’t so much a game as porn for those sad cases who get hot and bothered watching Thomas the Train Engine.

Finally, something happens! Just in time too – I was about five minutes from persistent vegetative state.

There are only two possible uses for TS2013: wank material for train fetishists, and killing someone softly through boredom.

Oh yeah, even the train sounds and whistle suck.  Smug bastard.

It should be noted that I did not play the “complete” version of this game, as I only have a few of the DLC packages available for it. However, to purchase the game and all 70+ pieces of dlc would set me back over $1600 dollars, with some train model packages (which I must stress do not deform in any way when crashed) costing $20 each.

Pictured here: VALUE!


Jones is Minister of War, Minister of Propaganda, and infrequent contributor for KGB; he can be found in the bushes outside of your house.

Header image was from some random Tumblr. 

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